So many among us seriously dread this time of year, but to avoid frowns and weird looks, they obviously choose to keep it to themselves. The two states of mind that make up the majority of this dread, as well as the majority of all mental illness, are depression and anxiety. So, a percentage of us are depressed and the rest of us are stressed, (and the one or two of you who are genuinely doing great, could you bottle some of that up and put it in our stockings, please?).
Let’s talk about the stress and anxiety part. The most common holiday contributors to this are:
- The pressure to present an image of “Christmas spirit” by decorating the house inside and out, attending or hosting parties, sending or posting lovely greetings, buying the perfect gifts and just generally trying to accommodate everyone.
- Our own gaggle of expectations of family, friends and the general population.
- Having to spend time with family, which often means feeling and dealing with the tension of unresolved conflicts consisting of harsh words that have been spoken and loving ones left unspoken.
Here’s the premise: Most of our angst comes from what we tell ourselves about the situation that’s stressing us. The human brain has the capacity to pump out some amazing junk. These sloppily generated negative thoughts often take the form of an automatic assumption that the situation has some awful implication, causing us to over-react without realizing it. This triggers an equally intense emotional reaction. Before allowing our precious emotional state to be high-jacked by an automatic assumption, we must first examine it to determine how realistic it is.
For starters, challenge your rationale for attempting to follow through on 73 ideas and let some stuff go! Go through your “to do” list and divide them into two categories: “Things that are actually meaningful to me and therefore worth the stress,” and “Things I feel obligated to do for some reason and give me unwanted stress”. Walk through this last category, examining each and ask yourself: “Why is this important? If I don’t do this, what would be so bad?” “Will it matter a year from now?” “A month from now? If so, how?”
Here are a couple of other examples of challenging the goings-on inside your head.
Thought-junk: “If I scale down the house decorations, neighbors and guests might be disappointed or at the least, unimpressed. This, in turn, will result in them canceling and shunning me!”
Corrected perception: No sir. It won’t. They do not give a fraction of the care that you think they do! And if they actually base their approval of you over something so trifling and petty, then they’re not worth your investment.
Thought-junk: I don’t want to go riding around with Jenny and her husband to look at Christmas lights that I’ve seen four seasons in a row, but they will be insulted if I turn down the invitation.”
Correction: No, they’ll get over it. And if they don’t, see above.
Now let’s discuss the “depression” side of things. Know that it’s okay to not be okay!
Ironic that the season that brings on the most depression is the one in which we feel the most pressure to be happy. A large portion of most people’s depression is, “depression about being depressed!” Why? Because we don’t feel that our disturbing feelings are acceptable. “I shouldn’t be depressed,” or “I’ve always been stronger than this,” etc. The most common contributors are the unresolved issues with family that seem hopeless to be resolved, the association of the holidays with painful memories, the way holidays highlight those who are no longer around due to death or divorce, disappointment when expectations aren’t met, pressure to be joyful and probably the heaviest of them all… loneliness. I won’t launch into a diatribe about how our technology has reduced our in-person interactions, just know that the loneliness epidemic has skyrocketed in recent years.
Give yourself permission to have your feelings. Sometimes “normal” and “good” are two different things. Depression during this time of year is very common and there are valid reasons for it. Our brain doesn’t just become depressed arbitrarily. We have to fall apart every now and then in order to keep it together. Emotions were meant to exit your body! Crying changes your brain chemistry, by the way. It’s our nervous system’s main strategy for discharging emotional pain.
We are wired to connect, therefore, depression and feeling disconnected go hand in hand. Wanting to be alone occasionally is healthy but it’s important that isolation not be your default position. Seek company and have some interaction. Best: reach out and share your feelings with someone you trust, even if it has to be a professional. You’ll be helped by the release and connection this provides.
I’ve never heard of anyone on their death bed saying that they wished they would have worked more, made more money or tried harder to get everyone’s approval. They tend to wish they’d spent more time developing connections with loved ones, savoring little moments, (like when one of my sons, as a youngster, awkwardly learned how to strike a match to light the Advent candle, and some things happened about which I’ve been sworn to secrecy.) But we don’t need to be on our deathbed in order to back up and look at the bigger picture. When we take our stressors and put it up against the light of what’s really important and meaningful, we begin to notice how most of them are surrounded by piddly details that we waste our precious energy on.
I hope you can use some of these suggestions to make this time of year more meaningful!
