By Deborah Schiller, LPC, CSAT-S, CMAT

I have always loved Valentine’s Day – every ritual that accompanies the day delights me. When I was young, my mother would place a nickel under each of the kids’ breakfast plates, one for each year of our ages. She would serve a hardy breakfast because she knew we would be eating sweets the rest of the day at school. I loved those family traditions. I loved making and exchanging the valentine cards. I loved reading them again and again throughout the day.

Valentine’s Day is still my favorite holiday. It is a beautiful celebration of love. I work as a Clinical Consultant at Pine Grove’s Gratitude Program, helping patients heal. Even though I have seen some of the devastating outcomes from compulsive relationships gone badly, I still honor and cherish love. Working with individuals who “love too much” might sound like an unnecessary profession; how can there be such a thing – love is good, isn’t it? How could anyone become addicted to it? The truth is, “love addiction” might be a misguiding term. I wish there was a better way to describe the powerlessness love addicts have over their emotions and the ceaseless longing for connection that produces troublesome behaviors.

Being in love is a wonderful thing. We feel stronger, happier, and more energetic. Our feet barely touch the ground when we experience romantic love! Love inspires poetry, music, and romantic letters. Our hearts are full when we are in love, and life is great. It becomes natural to see things in an optimistic light. Researchers have discovered there are strong chemicals flooding our brains during the early stages of being in love causing this brain state.

Oxytocin, a hormone once thought to be only present in the brains of mothers during childbirth and when nursing is now known to be a powerful influence in the brains of people in love. This chemical is known to engender feelings of connection and belonging. It a chemical associated with empathy. Dopamine is another chemical present when we are high on love, so to speak. This neurotransmitter gives us a sense of wellbeing and enables us to feel pleasure. It has been shown that even hearing your cell phone chime can result in additional dopamine flooding into your brain, especially if it might be a call from that special person. That is, it’s the reward chemical in your brain that signals to us, “this is a good thing!”

Does knowing that something as magical as romantic love can be broken down into its chemical components take away its magic? The answer is no, not if you are the one in love. Unfortunately, for some, the compulsion toward love completely overpowers their lives. The inability to think of anything else – not being able to eat or sleep – never ends. The fear of losing the object of affection is so great that the person will go to any lengths not to experience (what feels like) abandonment. A person addicted to love will tolerate extreme levels of abuse rather than be alone. Often this person will have one or more extra relationships waiting in the wings, just in case something happens to the primary relationship. Sadly, this infidelity can be the very behavior that insures the failures of the primary relationship.

People who struggle with extreme forms of love addiction live incredibly difficult lives. They cannot find serenity, peace, or fulfillment with or without a partner. Because humans are wired to be relational, our brains tell us that any separation from others is to be avoided at all costs. Unless the love addicted individual gets into recovery, a painful breakup is inevitable.

The suffering of withdrawal from a love addicted relationship is extreme. Because every thought centers on keeping the object of love close by, it is difficult to make the first move to get help. Like with other addictions, it is usually a friend or family member who steps in to assist the love addict in getting the care and support they need to break this cycle of heartache. Usually intensive professional counseling, either in an outpatient or residential setting, is required. Getting away from the environment in which the person was so caught up in their obsessive thoughts and behaviors can be helpful.

So go ahead and love fully and truly. Don’t be afraid to fall. But if you find yourself putting up with an out of control relationship or staying in an abusive or addictive one, help is available. Ask someone who really knows you to share their perspective on the situation. You do not have to be alone. Love should feel good, like Valentine’s Day when you were a kid.

Deborah Schiller is a Clinical Consultant at Pine Grove’s Gratitude program. She began working at Gratitude in 2006 as a Clinical Therapist, later becoming the Clinical Director and then serving as the Program Director from 2011 through 2018. She is a native of Huntsville, AL, where she attended The University of Alabama before finishing her degree at Montevallo University. Ms. Schiller taught school for three years before getting her Master’s degree in Early Childhood Education from Stanford University. She continued teaching and later returned to school while raising three children, earning her Master’s degree in Counseling from The University of South Alabama. Ms. Schiller subsequently completed an Internship at The Meadows treatment center in Wickenburg, AZ and became a therapist there. In 2004, Ms. Schiller joined Pine Grove and worked initially as a Clinical Therapist in the Professional Enhancement Program for two years prior to transitioning to the Gratitude program. She retired from full time work with Pine Grove in 2018 but remains an active consultant, trainer, and speaker in addition to working with current patients. She maintains a private practice in Daphne, AL in which she sees clients who struggle with addiction and with families of addicts. She also supervises therapists who are working toward becoming Certified Sex Addiction Therapists.

About Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services

Located in Hattiesburg, MS., Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services is one of the nation’s most comprehensive treatment campuses. Pine Grove’s world renowned programs treat gender specific chemical addiction including specialized tracks for co-occurring eating disorders, compulsive behaviors, trauma, and mental health. Additionally, Pine Grove offers an Intensive Outpatient substance abuse healing program for adults and a separate treatment track for those age 55 plus. Other Pine Grove specialty programs include a dedicated professional’s treatment curriculum and a comprehensive evaluation center. Pine Grove also features a program for patients with sexual addiction. Inpatient Services including an Adult Psychiatric Unit, along with a Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Unit, and Outpatient Services are other components. Pine Grove is a division of Forrest Health, a partnership of healthcare organizations across South Mississippi, and the behavioral healthcare extension of Forrest General Hospital. Established in 1984, Pine Grove has provided nationally and internationally recognized health care for 40 years. For more information about Pine Grove, please visit  www.pinegrovetreatment.com or call 1-888-574-HOPE (4673).