Teaching Children How to Deal with Conflict

Ted Crawford

Childhood/adolescence is “social boot-camp” minus the handshake and salute at the end of it. At no other time is the lack of tact and sensitivity in our peers as rampant as when we’re young. As parents, we are our children’s survival instructors. Neglecting this obligation sends them recklessly dancing into the minefield of interpersonal relations.

It’s easier said than done, however, as we can only pull from our own experience, the meaning of which often fails to crossover the generation-gap. Suggestions follow.

First, cut the chances that your “pearls of wisdom” will be ignored. When a child/adolescent is upset, one of our biggest parental blunders is scrambling to pacify or critique. These reactions convey that we can’t tolerate their feelings and that they can’t (or shouldn’t) either. Besides, trying to “logic” someone out of an emotional moment is like tap-dancing to save them from drowning. Not terribly effective. Though it’s easier to be supportive when we understand, the ability to relate to their feelings is not a prerequisite. With as few words as possible, reflect first (“It must be pretty disappointing/irritating/ painful when…”). Then be silent. This allows them space, pressure-free, to process their feelings independently. Behaviors are choices subject to judgment and acceptability, but feelings are merely facts. When kids trust that those feelings will be accepted, they share more and open up to your guidance.

Speaking of guidance, move in sensitively, as if you were advising someone you really admired (kids will soak it up). Discuss how expecting others to “act right” can be a set-up for frustration and resentment, but that we can learn to control how we let others affect us. Re bullies: 1) Plant seeds of “perspective.” Discuss how people generally “spread what they have” i.e., those who lash out are wounded. That doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but ask if they would want to trade places or actually be the person who’s harassing them. Usually, the answer is a clear “no!” 2) Assert that reporting another’s provocation/threat is sometimes a necessary part of protecting yourself without risking more trouble. Conversely, “ratting” on someone is when, for ulterior motives, you report a behavior that doesn’t affect you. 3) Teach kids to see provocations as “hooks”; that ignoring the antagonizer completely disrupts his/her goal and shows that you’re smart enough not to take the bait.

With relationships in general, squash the belief that admitting mistakes shows weakness. Absurd! How much strength does it take to deny wrongdoing or blame others when you’re guilty as sin? A toddler in a loaded diaper can do that all day long! There’s no greater sign of courage and strength than the ability to humble down and own up. When “humility” steps into the ring, the fight’s over before it begins and real friends are revealed, as they’ll be the ones who gain trust and respect for your kid. The most effective way to teach all of the above? Model it (yeah, you knew it was sounding a little too easy).

Ted Crawford is a Clinical Therapist for FGH's Employee Assistance Program, which provides counseling for hospital employees and their families. He is licensed in Marriage and Family Therapy and works with clients on a wide range of issues including depression, anger, anxiety and trauma. Ted also facilitates the local Domestic Violence Intervention Program for men with anger and control issues.

Visit http://www.pinegrovetreatment.com/ or call 1-888-574-HOPE (4673) for more information.

What is Next Step?

Next Step is a 48-bed extended community setting especially designed to aid men in regaining their freedom from the disease of chemical dependency. Next Step provides an alternative to traditional inpatient treatment programs in an environment that is both clinical and cost-effective.

Next Step employs a variety of 12-step based programs for each phase of treatment and with an interdisciplinary staff of physicians, nurses, counselors, clinical assistants, social workers, and certified addictionologist the Next Step program provides patients with a full continuum of care.

The treatment program includes:

- Comprehensive Psychological/Psychiatric Evaluation and Testing
- 12-step support groups
- AA Big Book Studies
- Gender-Specific Groups
- Individual and Group Therapy
- Family Program
- REACH (experiential therapy)
- Expressive therapy
- Recreation therapy
- Nutrition Services
- Lectures and Films
- Dual diagnosis
- Aftercare program
- Intervention
- Exercise/Fitness

Visit www.pinegrovetreatment.com or call 1-888-574-HOPE (4673) for more information.

Treating Addictions and Eating Disorders Together

Deborah V. Gross, MD

All of the disorders of eating (compulsive overeating, compulsive under eating or anorexia, binging and purging) have much in common with addiction. Brain imaging shows problems for both in the mesolimbic structures deep inside the brain, family histories of eating disordered patients frequently reveal addictions somewhere, and many of the psychological elements of denial, craving, tolerance, and relapse are the same. Experienced addiction therapists say that many, if not most, women with addictions also show disordered eating at some point. Are there differences? Of course, but it’s in the common elements that our strength can be found. Each woman, indeed, each human being on this earth, is unique, yet we all share certain challenges and issues. Unity and diversity are not mutually exclusive, and who would argue that we need all the help we can get in dealing with illnesses as troublesome as these?

Besides the issues related to diagnosis, many women with addictions and eating disorders are depressed or have other untreated medical problems, many have been psychologically, sexually, or physically abused and traumatized, and many are anxious and unempowered, with no idea how to go about changing these things. At Pine Grove Women’s Center, we know that your time here is just the beginning of a lifelong journey of recovery. However, we also know that if we don’t help you set up some signposts now, you will be at risk for losing your way in the future.

Dr. Gross is Director of Psychiatry at Pine Grove Women’s Center, a residential program in Hattiesburg MS devoted to the treatment of addictions and eating disorders in women. She is also President and CEO of SeaStar: Tools for Creative Wellness and author of Food and Feelings: Scientifically Sound Self Help for Emotional Overeating.

Visit www.pinegrovetreatment.com or call 1-888-574-HOPE (4673) for more information.

Sexual Addiction Screening

Sexual addiction is characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.

If you have concerns about sexual behaviors then ask yourself these questions:

- Have you had difficulty resisting impulses to engage in sexual behaviors?
- Have you tried to stop, control, or reduce these behaviors?
- Have you thought of killing yourself because of your sexual behaviors?
- Have you experienced legal consequences due to your sexual behaviors?
- Do you spend large amounts of time trying to get or recover from sex?
- Do you feel anxious or irritable if unable to engage in sexual behaviors?
- Do you worry that others will find out about your sexual activities?
- Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
- Do you feel that your sexual behavior is not normal?
- Are you experiencing family problems as a result of your behaviors?

If you are concerned about your sexual behaviors or attitudes, or even a friend or family members, consider professional help.

Pine Grove’s Gentle Path is a program for those suffering from sexual addiction, relationship addiction and sexual anorexia. It is under the direction of Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., C.A.S., world-renowned speaker, and author on addiction. Dr. Carnes’ 30-task-model serves as the basic curriculum for treatment.

For over twenty years Pine Grove has offered a continuum of services ranging from outpatient to inpatient and residential treatment for adults, children and adolescents suffering from psychiatric and addictive diseases. The Pine Grove Mission is to be a leader in healing and changing lives by providing the highest quality behavioral health services.

Visit www.pinegrovetreatment.com or call 1-888-574-HOPE (4673) for more information.

The Disease Model

Dr. Deborah Gross

Once upon a time, all mental disorders, including eating disorders, gambling addiction, drug and alcohol addiction and sexual addiction (along with everything else in the compulsive spectrum) were thought of as wickedness, weakness, or both. Now we use what is called “the disease model” to talk about these things because (thank goodness) we know a lot more than we used to about them. We know that all addictions are compulsions and vice versa, which gives rise to the saying, popular in all the best recovery circles, “An addiction is an addiction is an addiction.”

From the standpoint of recovery, the specific substance or activity is less important than the recognition of the fact that someone who is suffering with this terrible problem feels driven, absolutely compelled to do, ingest, or focus on something that hurts her in body, mind, and spirit, wrecks her relationships, and keeps her from wholeness and wellness in life. As a well regarded researcher in the field, Dr. Doug Talbott, says, “The compulsion IS the disease.”

The scientific evidence for this position is mounting in all areas of research—clinical work with patients, family history studies, newer brain imaging techniques, and psychological research into what is called “addiction interaction.” The compulsion really is the disease. As one woman put it to me once, “I overeat and throw up just like my dad used to drink. It’s so out of control and I can’t make anybody see I need help just like he did.”

The difficulty in the medical sciences often lies in translating research evidence into clinical practice. Someone has to lead the way, and we all tend to resist change. At Pine Grove Women’s Center, however, we are committed to bringing you the most up to date, comprehensive care possible, using what has worked in the past to set a framework for making full use of the advances in the here and now.

Dr. Gross is Director of Psychiatry at Pine Grove Women’s Center, a residential program in Hattiesburg MS devoted to the treatment of addictions and eating disorders in women. She is also President and CEO of SeaStar: Tools for Creative Wellness and author of Food and Feelings: Scientifically Sound Self Help for Emotional Overeating.

Visit www.pinegrovetreatment.com or call 1-888-574-HOPE for more information.