In Order to Heal You Have to Feel….
Deborah V. Gross, MDEmotional stress and other “feeling” factors are the most commonly cited reasons for relapse from weight management programs.
Feelings influence food behavior. It starts in the cradle. Baby gets hungry, baby cries, Mama comes running with the bottle or breast. Baby is fed and cuddled and goes to sleep happy with a full little belly. This is all natural and normal, and the scene repeats itself over and over in various ways throughout childhood. Painful moments? Celebrations? Social gatherings? Lonely times? Human life revolves around food physically and emotionally. This has always been so and always will be. It’s the way we’re made.
When food was scarce and physical activity plentiful, people did not get fat. But in our world as it is now, food is plentiful and little physical activity is required to get it. We can drive through a burger joint and easily consume 2000+ calories without ever so much as standing up! Furthermore, we haven’t lost any of our emotional attachment to food. Most of us have to work at it very consciously not to consume more calories than we burn up. So we get fat easily, even in the best of circumstances. This is also the way we are made, because Mama Nature wanted us to survive.
So where does that leave us? We have an inbred drive to focus on food, which we cannot change. We also have a trained-in, emotionally connected relationship to food, which, thankfully, we can at least modify to lose weight and maintain it. How? By learning other ways to deal with our feelings.
Emotional stress and other “feeling” factors are the most commonly cited reasons for relapse from weight management programs. No matter what method you use, you will never be able to lose weight and keep it off if you run to the refrigerator to overeat every time you get stressed out. That’s the bottom line. You can’t run away from your feelings, you can’t hide from them, and you can’t ignore them. They’re too powerful and important. In order to heal, you have to feel. You have to accept and validate your feelings (and your SELF!), and you have to learn healthy ways to express and cope without sticking your head in the refrigerator!
In my work with obese and overweight patients, I’m often amazed at how much better they are at taking care of their children (and everybody else in the world sometimes….) than they are at taking care of themselves. This has got to change for you. Are you hearing me? You must learn to take care of yourself at least as well as you take care of the other people in your life. Don’t even think about telling me that would be selfish! Even if your main reason for living is to take care of other people (which I don’t recommend), you can’t do it very well if you don’t take care of yourself. That’s why, when you fly on an airplane, they tell you to put your own oxygen mask first and THEN assist the person with you. If you keel over, that person doesn’t have a prayer either!
Many people who overeat for emotional reasons don’t even recognize that they HAVE strong feelings, which is why I developed the Food&Feelings™ profile. First you have to notice that you feel. Next you have to identify, validate, and express how you feel. Then and only then can you possibly figure out what you need to meet your emotional needs so you don’t go eating everything in sight. If, for example, you overeat when you are under certain kinds of stress, you need some different stress management techniques for those times. If you overeat to shut down anger at your spouse, you need some assertiveness skills and maybe some marital therapy. If you use food to self-treat for depression or anxiety, you may need other help in those areas. There is even good science to indicate that people can get addicted to overeating, much like the alcoholic is addicted to alcohol.
In my own studies and my work with obese and overweight people, I’ve discovered that there are 12 main “food and feelings” issues that get people “off the wagon.” So if you keep having trouble sticking with your treatment plan, your diet, and/or what your doctor has told you to do, consider the following:
- Disordered eating can take many forms, as Dr. Carson pointed out in his September article. Having bariatric surgery doesn’t make you immune to this! If you are eating secretly, eating until you feel sick, avoiding eating at all, or doing anything to get rid of something you’ve already eaten (purging), please open up and talk to your doctor or see a therapist right now.
- Compulsion is a driven feeling of being out of control and unable to stop doing something that’s harmful. If you’re eating like this, Overeaters Anonymous can be very helpful. If you’re post-surgical, have you been skipping your support groups? If so, you’re on a mighty slippery slope. Call a friend or your nurse, and go back to the very next meeting!
- “Checking out” mentally when you overeat is very common among obese or overweight patients. I call it “food fog,” and it’s basically the drug effect of compulsive overeating. Very risky. Stay in the present. Don’t watch TV or read when you eat. Think about what you’re doing and take pleasure in your meal.
- Self esteem is very important. It’s hard to do hard things (like a weight management program) if you don’t like yourself. Therapy helps, but remember that no one’s worth as a human being is measured by a number on the scale!
- We meet the world in our bodies. If you don’t like yours, think outside the box of size and shape. Appreciate what your body does for you. Can you hug your little boy? Watch your granddaughter on the soccer field, take a walk, or see the beautiful world outside your window? If so, you have your body to thank.
- Social stigma is just plain prejudice. Our society can be very obnoxious in its cruelty to people with weight problems. However, the most damaging stereotype in this world is the one you believe about yourself so make a conscious effort not to buy into such nonsense. List 10 wonderful not-skinny people you know, and be sure to include yourself!
- The people in your life can either be your best recovery tool or your biggest risk for relapse. Don’t let anybody mistreat you. Tell the people in your life VERY DIRECTLY what you need from them in terms of support for your program.
- Many people with addictions and eating disorders have been psychologically traumatized in some way. If you’ve been abused, you may need therapy to be sure it doesn’t get in the way of your new healthy life. Don’t hesitate! Sooner is better than later and you’re worth it.
- If you feel low, sad, and blue most of the time, don’t sleep well, cry a lot, or feel like giving up, you might be depressed. Depression is a very treatable illness. Untreated, it’s almost impossible to do what you need to do to take good care of yourself.
- Lots of people overeat when they’re anxious so be sure you develop some healthy ways to manage your nerves. Regular exercise is great. So is meditation. Or just slow down and breathe deeply. Taking a little break can do wonders sometimes!
- Stress happens when you have too much on your plate. Hmm… come to think of it, that’s how overweight and obesity happen, too. Coincidence? Not on your life. Make that “to do list,” check it twice, and cut it in half.
- Are you your own worst enemy? Self defeating patterns in life can arise for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes we don’t notice them until they’re already pretty entrenched. Start noticing the ways in which you shoot yourself in the foot. Is there a pattern? A good therapist can help you sort it out.
Get all the help you can. Use all the help you get. Think of your weight management program as a life long commitment to yourself, and remember that your “self” is about a whole lot more than those numbers on the scale. The person you are inside, the feelings you have, the people in your life—these are the things that make up a human life. I wish you the best on your journey.
Dr. Gross is Director of Psychiatry at Pine Grove Women’s Treatment Center, a residential program in Hattiesburg MS devoted to the treatment of addictions and eating disorders in women. She is also President and CEO of SeaStar: Tools for Creative Wellness and author of Food and Feelings: Scientifically Sound Self Help for Emotional Overeating. You may reach her at DearDrDeb@aol.com. Visit Pine Grove at www.pinegrove-treatment.com or call 1-888-574-HOPE.
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